Monday, May 6, 2013

Second-Shower Phobia

Do you fear the second shower? You've already showered in the morning. You've shaved; you've washed and combed your hair; applied deodorant and you're ready to go for the day.

Then during the course of the day, you become sweaty because of the humidity or because you had to run from a rabid dog or you had to change a tire or your exercise workout occurred at night.

Now you're home again and face a dilemma: do you shower again or wait until morning? You might argue that the sweat has cleansed your body and when it dries you are actually clean! Or that you didn't sweat THAT much and that the shower can wait until morning. Or you're just too lazy to undress, shower and get out clean clothes. Perhaps you live in Arizona and since your house number is even, you can only shower on even-numbered days. Whatever the excuse, you fear the second shower. You're a second shower phobia.

I'm here to help you overcome this fear of the second shower.

STEP 1: Lift your right arm all the way above your head so that the armpit is fully exposed. Then have a friend sniff in the general vicinity of the armpit. The friend should promptly pass out. Be sure to place pillows around the area so your friend doesn't break a neck.

STEP 2: Sit down on a towel and then proceed to lick your leg. It should taste like a pretzel. An alternative method is to have your dog (if you own one) smell your legs. If he licks them, then there's a good chance you taste like salted pork.

STEP 3: Once your friend has regained consciousness, have him or her smell your hair. He or she should still be dazed and confused when he or she awakes, so compliance shouldn't be an issue. Again, be sure pillows are near by as he or she will faint at the smell of your greasy hair.

STEP 4: Take all your clothes off and place them in a pile. Then sniff the pile like you would a bouquet of roses. Be sure a barf bucket is close by because you may toss your cookies. Dry heaves will soon follow.
If none of these steps have convinced you to shower (thus effectively making you overcome your second shower phobia) then proceed to the next step. If you no longer fear the second shower after step 4, then proceed directly to the nearest bathroom and commence cleaning.

STEP 5: Place your back to a wall in your home. Or if you have a hardwood floor, lay down on the hardwood floor. Now attempt to get up. You should notice that there is so much grime on your body that it is actually sticking to hard surfaces - you are basically a giant piece of masking tape. If you are normal, this should gross you out and cause you to jump right into the shower.

If none of these steps help you, then you have far greater issues to deal with. You need to address these issues by attending a simple hygiene course at the local community college. Alternatively, you can elect to be a full-time street bum.

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