On Consolation to the Bereaved
Seneca often writes letters and essays on consolation. Letter 99 is one of many. I won't spend a whole lot of time commentating on this letter, but will note the big ideas and then share a few quotes from the letter itself.
Grief should be moderated and wise. Too much and grieving for the wrong reasons is not wise.
The griever ought to be reminded of taking a broader perspective and if they do, they may be consoled.
Stoics are not emotionless; emotion is acceptable.
Cherish the memory of those lost.
Quotes from the letter, which I found useful:
When a man is stricken and is finding it most difficult to endure a grievous wound, one must humour him for a while; let him satisfy his grief or at any rate work off the first shock; but those who have assumed an indulgence in grief should be rebuked forthwith, and should learn that there are certain follies even in tears.
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many men fail to count up how manifold their gains have been, how great their rejoicings. Grief like yours has this among other evils: it is not only useless, but thankless.
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a great part of those we have loved, though chance has removed their persons, still abides with us.
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People set a narrow limit to their enjoyments if they take pleasure only in the present.
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it is idle to grieve if you get no help from grief. In the second place, it is unfair to complain about what has happened to one man but is in store for all. Again, it is foolish to lament one's loss, when there is such a slight interval between the lost and the loser. Hence we should be more resigned in spirit, because we follow closely those whom we have lost.
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mark this throng of humanity, all straining toward the same point with briefest intervals between them – even when they seem longest; he whom you count as passed away has simply posted on ahead. And what is more irrational than to bewail your predecessor
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Whoever complains about the death of anyone, is complaining that he was a man. ... he who is privileged to be born, is destined to die.
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Yours is not pain; it is a mere sting – and it is you yourself who are turning it into pain.
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am I advising you to be hard-hearted, desiring you to keep your countenance unmoved at the very funeral ceremony, and not allowing your soul even to feel the pinch of pain? By no means.
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Tears fall, no matter how we try to check them, and by being shed they ease the soul. What, then, shall we do? Let us allow them to fall, but let us not command them do so; let us weep according as emotion floods our eyes, but not as much as mere imitation shall demand.
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People see a man who bears his grief bravely: they call him undutiful and savage-hearted; they see a man who collapses and clings to his dead: they call him womanish and weak. Everything, therefore, should be referred to reason.
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speak often concerning the departed, and cherish his memory to the extent of your power.
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Indeed, to forget the beloved dead, to bury their memory along with their bodies, to bewail them bounteously and afterwards think of them but scantily – this is the mark of a soul below that of man.
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This quality does not befit a man of sense; he should continue to remember, but should cease to mourn.
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That which we Stoics advise, is honourable; when emotion has prompted a moderate flow of tears, and has, so to speak, ceased to effervesce, the soul should not be surrendered to grief.
