PHRL 498 (Religion & Philosophy Capstone) - Intellectual Autobiography: From Pre-existence to Existence to Essence

 Introduction

The day after Halloween in 1992, my father drove me to a farm on the other side of the Snake River to Fruitland, Idaho. My appointment was with a man named Chad Clark and he was to give me a Patriarchal blessing, which, for Mormons, acts as a type of life roadmap for a person, and which not only is to guide the individual in the future but also pronounces from whence that person came. In the opening paragraph of my blessing, I was informed, “Prior to your mortal birth you lived in the world of spirits. It was there that you prepared for mortality. You associated with many great and important spirits. You grew to maturity and exercised your free agency, made covenants and were foreordained to positions of responsibility that are being shown to you as you proceed through life.” Being born into Mormonism (officially known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) meant my essence was defined before I even had a chance to consider it. Many aspects of this religion formed and shaped me, however, I came to a point, around the age of 38, where I felt it did not serve me well anymore. This would become the starting point of my philosophical exploration and journey.

I began seeing a therapist named Laura McPherson, who not only gave me the space to express my feeling and thoughts, but she also recognized and acknowledged that I work for, live in and associate with a Type A company, a Type A community and Type A religion, meaning these organizations’ and communities’ populations tend to be comprised of people who exhibit traits such as aggressiveness, competitiveness, ambitiousness and authoritarianism (Sissons, 2022). To manage the anxiety and stress of these environments, she taught me a number of techniques as informed by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This was my first pitstop in my philosophical journey. As I studied CBT, I found the linkages to Stoicism and how I could redirect my locus of control to within. This exploration sent me down a path of defining my true existence, as well as a deep dive into Hellenistic philosophy between the years of 2014 and 2021.

As I studied Stoicism, and in particular the idea of eternal recurrence (Durand et al., 2023), I came across references to Nietzsche’s doctrine of the same name (Wilkerson, n.d.) and how he used it as a litmus test to determine if an individual loves his fate and is living his best life. This discovery was the catalyst to widen my philosophic aperture to study not only Existentialism, but other philosophies. In 2021, I enrolled in American Public University (APU) and have since been studying philosophy and thinking about what my essence is and should be.

This essay will explore the three phases of my intellectual autobiography, with the first phase delving into Mormonism and my so-called pre-existence, phase two exploring Stoicism and how it helped me to delineate my existence, and phase three discovering Existentialism and how Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre have guided me to define my own meaning and essence.

Pre-existence and Mormonism

I was thrown into a Mormon family. Heidegger would say I was “never in control of [my] own being” and that I could not “determine or control biological or cultural factors that constrain possibilities” for myself (Wheeler, 2011). As such, I was indoctrinated into believing that I had pre-existed, meaning I had a life before I was born. And this is not in the sense of reincarnation, rather, it was in a spiritual, non-physical sense. In this pre-existence, there was a war of ideas with Jesus Christ on one side and Lucifer on the other. Mormons believe this war of ideas began as all humanity debated on the plan for existence (The Pearl of Great Price, 2013/1851). At the center of this plan was personal agency. On one side, Lucifer intended to remove choice and guarantee the salvation of all, while Christ intended to defend personal agency, but then provide a way for salvation to those who misuse their volition and consequently need to repent of sin. Christ would enter the mortal world, atone and pay the consequences of all humankind’s sin, and resurrect himself, thus breaking the chains of spiritual and physical death. Without fully explaining the intricacies and dogmas of Mormonism, I concluded that the most important virtue in the church is obedience. If a believer wanted to return to God’s presence (gain eternal life and happiness), as they were in the pre-existence, then they need to obey and follow the path outlined before them.

The Mormon faith teaches that happiness comes through obedience to teachings, commandments, and rituals. The long list of obedience includes attending church, scripture study, prayer, baptism at age eight, worthiness interviews during adolescence, missions and marriage, and making temple covenants to name a few. The most important blessings for Mormons are those found in the temple, and no one can attend the temple unless they commit 10% of their income to the church for their entire life – a Mormon’s salvation is entwined with lucre. And then parenthood renews the cycle, as raising children in the faith becomes integral to spiritual salvation. Happiness remains tied to lifelong obedience and generational continuity.

While this plan seems organized and clear, there are aspects which jeopardize one’s pursuit of joy. Not only must an individual stay on the straight and narrow path, but he has a responsibility for other people’s salvation, which can cause profound negative spiritual and mental effects if someone else’s choices put his own salvation at risk. The Doctrine and Covenants (2013/1851) notes that parents have a duty to baptize and rear their children in the religion. However, if parents fail in their efforts, the sins of the child will be on the parent’s heads. Furthermore, an early leader of the church, John Taylor, taught members, “If you do not magnify your callings, God will hold you responsible for those whom you might have saved had you done your duty” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2025). The central concept of the war of ideas in the pre-existence and the fight for one’s agency stand in stark contrast to the authoritarian mindset of obedience and guilt which are hallmarks in the religion’s modern teachings. For me, I could not exist authentically in this religion, nor did the virtue of spiritual obedience to a leader in a far-off city make logical sense to me.

Existence and Stoicism

After meeting with a psychotherapist for several weeks and discovering the linkages between CBT and Stoicism, I procured a copy of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations (2014). Only a few passages were clear and meaningful to me when I read it the first time. Someone recommended that I read Pierre Hadot’s The Inner Citadel (2001) to fully comprehend all that Marcus Aurelius wrote. One chapter of Hadot’s book focuses entirely on Epictetus since he had such a profound impact on Aurelius. I then obtained a copy of Epictetus’ writings and from this point on, my library bloomed with books on Stoicism.

The single most important doctrine of Stoicism is the demarcation of what is “up to us” (Epictetus & Long, 2018) and what is not. Epictetus notes that our abilities to judge, our motivation and desires and aversions are the things that are up to us. But our body, possessions, our lot in life and even our reputation are not up to us. As I read this passage the first time and then repeatedly, I felt an immense sense of relief as I comprehended such a clearly defined locus of control which stood in contrast to the guilt-tripping, manipulation and expansive locus of duties required in Mormonism. Epictetus’ lesson on delineation pervades Aurelius’ Meditations and is expanded upon by Hadot. Once I understood this demarcation, I realized I could truly exist and set boundaries between my innermost self and other people and events.

My studies further deepened as I discovered The College of Stoic Philosophers. Their courses taught me Stoic physics, logic and ethics. During these classes, I began to learn the language and subjects of philosophy. I was introduced to Skepticism, Epicureanism, Neo-Platonism and other schools of thought. However, I was not expecting to encounter Existentialism while studying Stoicism.

While studying Stoic physics I learned of the idea of eternal recurrence (Durand et al., 2023), and how Nietzsche’s doctrine of the same name (Wilkerson, n.d.) was used to great effect to help individuals determine if they truly love their fate and are living their best life. Hadot (2001) also made the same connection. The longer I contemplated the concept of amor fati and saying “yes” to my life repeatedly and endlessly, I realized there was perhaps more work to be done in terms of discovering my essence.

Essence and Existentialism

My first act of asserting a definition of my essence was to apply at APU and enroll in my first philosophy course. Philosophy 101 did not discuss Existentialism, but a posting by one of the students referred to Kierkegaard and how his writings had a profound impact on her life. She listed Sartre, Camus and other Existentialist philosophers as notable influences in her life as well. While I had come across Camus and Nietzsche a few years before, I knew nothing else about Existentialism. After taking several required philosophy classes, by June 2023 I enrolled in a course on Existentialism; perhaps my favorite course of all the classes I’ve taken.

Stoicism’s mantra of “living according to Nature” (Sellars, 2014, p. 125) nicely sums the aim for life, but implicit in that motto is a trust in the universe that all was intended to be exactly as it occurs. For some, the effort in trying to discern reasons for why the universe dishes out breath-taking hardships can be too much for their schema of existence. To me, Camus’ assessment of the universe seems a smidge more honest than the Stoic assessment. His definition of the absurd, which explains the tension of humanity’s relentless quest to find meaning despite the fact that the Cosmos forever remains silent, resonates more deeply with me. Rather than being forced to find a meaning for one’s strange circumstance (Stoicism), one is free to admit the absurdity of existence and is liberated to define one’s own meaning and essence. 

Later in my course on Existentialism, I learned that I had been living in “bad faith” because I was largely dependent on other’s norms and values (Overthink Podcast & Anderson, 2022) and I was only dreaming of my essence (Flynn, 2006). Even though I had been liberated from Mormonism, I realized I was largely finding comfort in my fate or facticity, and I was denying that I had a responsibility to positively create my meaning and essence instead of remaining fixed in my circumstances. In July 2023, while on a business trip in India, I came to a profound realization I was shirking my responsibility and that I needed to begin to live in good faith and act on creating my essence (Putnam, 2023). Since writing that essay, I enrolled in a number of psychology classes at APU, and I am about to complete my college degree in philosophy. I have also solidified my plans to retire from my corporate career by the year 2031 and enroll in a Master of Counseling program with the intent to become a licensed professional counselor (LPC). Beyond this next phase, I intend to practice my craft in a hospital or university setting, helping other people through life’s challenges as well as assisting them in finding their own meaning project.

Conclusion

In conclusion, this essay explored the three phases of my intellectual autobiography, with the first phase delving into Mormonism and my so-called pre-existence, phase two examining Stoicism and how it helped me to delineate my existence, and phase three uncovering Existentialism and how Nietzsche, Camus, and Sartre guided me to define my own meaning and essence. 

References

Aurelius, M. (2014). Meditations (M. Hammond, Trans.). Penguin Classics, An Imprint Of Penguin Books.

Durand, M., Shogry, S., & Baltzly, D. (2023). Stoicism (E. N. Zalta & U. Nodelman, Eds.). Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy; Metaphysics Research Lab, Stanford University. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/stoicism/#CosmCyclConf 

Epictetus, & Long, A. A. (2018). How to be free : an ancient guide to the stoic life : Encheiridion and selections from Discourses. Princeton University Press.

Flynn, T. R. (2006). Existentialism : a very short introduction. Oxford University Press.

Hadot, P. (2001). The Inner Citadel: The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius (M. Chase, Trans.). Cambridge, Mass. London Harvard University Press.

Overthink Podcast, & Anderson, E. (2022). Sartre’s theory of bad faith. In YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXXmHkI-Ug

Putnam, D. (2023). Time and Existentialist Creation. Rockyrook.com. https://www.rockyrook.com/2023/07/rel-411-time-and-existentialist-creation.html

Sellars, J. (2014). Stoicism. Routledge.

Sissons, B. (2022, September 30). Personality types: Type A and type B traits. Www.medicalnewstoday.com. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/type-a-vs-type-b.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2025). Chapter 18: Service in the Church. Churchofjesuschrist.org. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-john-taylor/chapter-18?lang=eng 

The Doctrine and Covenants. (2013). Doctrine and Covenants 68. Www.churchofjesuschrist.org. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/68?lang=eng (Original work published 1835)

The Pearl of Great Price. (2013). Abraham 3. Www.churchofjesuschrist.org. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/pgp/abr/3?lang=eng (Original work published 1851)

Wheeler, M. (2011). Martin Heidegger (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy). Stanford.edu. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/heidegger/

Wilkerson, D. (n.d.). Nietzsche, Friedrich | Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://iep.utm.edu/nietzsch/#H7

Rel 311 - Time and Existentialist Creation

Time and Existentialist Creation

On a Thursday in Bangalore India, I sat in a conference room of an engineering firm, listening to a small cadre of managers talk in detail about their manufacturing prowess, when I experienced an epiphanic moment. For a handful of minutes, a vision of sorts flashed in my mind, where I was a therapist sitting in a chair in a quiet room and across from me was a patient. I asked the patient to contemplate the most precious commodity humans possess: time. I told this client that they needed to feel the anxiety of time and to deliberate long and deeply about how they were going to spend the remainder of their time in life. I then turned to an hourglass sitting on a table, turned it over and asked the patient to feel the grains of sand fall from the top and pile at the bottom.

While I have been a student of existentialist philsophy for a number of years, I gained a deeper appreciation for it in this course. In this essay, I’ll focus on three lessons I learned from this class. The first is the pressing urgency of time in the context of living authentically. After having learned of the importance of existence preceding essence, I feel more keenly the need to use my time toward my own “meaning-giving project” (Crowell). Did my boredom in India lead to that epiphany which caused me to consider my own grains of sand? The second lesson I learned from this course was about the need for choice and action on finishing my life project. While the project is en media res, I nonetheless have had a re-kindling of effort to work towards making that creative project into a reality. From Sartre I learned the concept of “bad faith” regarding how being the perpetual dreamer does nothing but whittle away the grains of sand in return for nothing. While dreaming of transcendence is needed, so too is action. The third lesson I learned from this course, via Camus’s Myth of Sisyphus, was that I must always create with no expectation of fame, immortality or any type of reward. As Camus writes, “to work and create ‘for nothing’ … this is the difficult wisdom that the absurd thought sanctions” (Camus 103). The protagonist of the film The Shawshank Redemption fittingly summarizes these three lessons when he said, “get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Did I experience profound boredom in that conference room in India? Possibly. My enlightenment might have been what Heidegger called Augenblick or “a moment of vision” in which I was experiencing such unadulterated dullness that I achieved an awareness of what I am missing in life (Gibbs 602). Indeed, Camus seems to confirm that such moments of brilliant boredom cause one to snap back into existential reality. He writes in Myth of Sisyphus, “Rising, tram, four hours in the office or factory, meal, tram, four hours of work, meal, sleep and one day, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, according to the same rhythm - this path is easily followed most of the time. But one day the 'why' arises and everything begins in that weariness tinged with amazement” (Camus 19). One scholar has noted the worth of boredom in that “it has specific value in awakening our ability to experience meaningfulness, often through its negation; when bored, we may question meaning or, more precisely, lack of meaning by indifference” (Gibbs 603). For me, in that awakening moment in India, a contrasting vision came to me, in which I found myself “taking a stance on being” and I felt the urgency to make progress on what is meaningful to me (607).

The second pivotal lesson I learned from this course is related to action and making progress on my life project. From Sartre, I learned of the concept of bad faith and more specifically, the bad faith of not acknowledging my facticity and only focusing on my pure transcendence – in other words, only wishing for some possibility but never acting (Flynn 74). Like the woman on a date, in Sartre’s example, to not commit to a choice and action in order to become something (i.e. the woman refusing to admit that she is a body who can enjoy the touch of a man and postponing commitment) is living in bad faith (Anderson 6:07). To live in good faith is to admit to myself that my facticity as a human requires making a choice towards transcendence via focused and diligent work in order to change and make dreams into a reality. Good faith requires choice and action.

The third lesson I learned was more of a reminder of a brutal truth. All too often, our life projects aim at more than existence. We strive for lasting fame, status, power or abundant wealth – to overcome and become more than our circumstances. Indeed, Nietzsche wrote much of this with his concept of will to power. I discussed this idea in one of my essays when I quoted Nietzsche, “What is good?—All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself in man. What is bad?—All that proceeds from weakness.  What is happiness?—The feeling that power increases—that a resistance is overcome” (Wilkerson). However, Camus importantly clarifies that we ought not expect anything in return for our efforts. While the notion of the will to power may spur us to action, we must never forget that ultimately our creative project will be buried by space and time.

In a moving passage from The Myth of Sisyphus, Camus explores the challenging question of whether a person can persistently create with no expectations – to create for no reason other than to create. The point demands the full quote be mentioned.

I want to know whether, accepting a life without appeal, one can also agree to work and create without appeal and what is the way leading to these liberties. I want to liberate my universe of its phantoms and to people it solely with flesh and blood truths whose presence I cannot deny. I can perform absurd work, choose the creative attitude rather than another. But an absurd attitude, if it is to remain so, must remain aware of its gratuitousness (Camus 93).

Taking this absurdist attitude is a revolt against our condition. Too many times, people, including myself, feel the utter despair of casting maximum effort into a project or presentation, only to have it briefly acknowledged and then forgotten about. It is tempting, for me, to assume an attitude of: better to have never loved than to have a broken heart. The “higher fidelity” Camus and Sisyphus teaches us is to not only recognize our absurd condition but to also rebel and create projects despite our strange state of being (111). A scene from the film A River Runs Through It captures this attitude nicely.

The father of the protagonist was also the schoolteacher for his sons. The older son (the main character named Norman) was taught how to write well by his father. In the film, Norman muses, “while my friends spent their days at Missoula Elementary, I stayed home and learned to write the American language.” In the scene, Norman writes an essay and then hands the paper to his father. The father reads it, turns to his son and says, “half as long.” Norman returns to the project, labors over the paper and then walks back to his father to have it graded. The father reads it, pauses and says, “Again, half as long.” Norman drags his feet back to his desk and makes additional edits. Again, he appears before his father, who reads the essay. This time, the father judges the essay acceptable and says, “Good, now throw it away.” Normal wads the paper – representing his work, effort and time – and throws it in the trash bin and runs off to go fishing. We must have that same perspective for our projects – work diligently on them but be perfectly willing to let them go when the next adventure calls. This is to create gratuitously.

In conclusion, I’ve gleaned three lessons from this course. The first is the rekindling of pressing urgency with regards to the use of my time toward my own “meaning-giving project” (Crowell). It would seem boredom has played a role in this rekindling. The second lesson I learned was to be aware of “bad faith” on my part, and to choose and act with good faith towards making my creative project into a reality. Lastly, Camus reminded me that the existential absurdist must always create “for nothing” – I must embrace this perspective and brutal truth, knowing full well the benefit is in the creative process, not the enduring creation (Camus 103). Perhaps Nietzsche captures the spirit of urgency, action and the notion of creating for nothing, when he wrote,

the secret of the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously! Build your cities under Vesuvius! Send your ships into uncharted seas! Live at war with your peers and yourselves! Be robbers and conquerors, as long as you cannot be rulers and owners, you lovers of knowledge! Soon the age will be past when you could be satisfied to live like shy deer, hidden in the woods! (Kaufmann 106)

 

Works Cited

A River Runs through It. Directed by Robert Redford, Columbia Pictures, 1992.

Anderson, Ellie. “Sartre’s Theory of Bad Faith.” Www.youtube.com, 29 Apr. 2022, youtu.be/UUXXmHkI-Ug?t=367. Accessed 25 July 2023.

Camus, Albert. The Myth of Sisyphus. 1955. Translated by Justin O’Brien, Penguin Books, 1979.

Crowell, Steven. “Existentialism (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy).” Stanford.edu, 9 June 2020, plato.stanford.edu/entries/existentialism/.

Flynn, Thomas R. Existentialism : A Very Short Introduction. Oxford University Press, 2006.

Gibbs, Paul. "The Concept of Profound Boredom: Learning from Moments of Vision." Studies in Philosophy and Education, vol. 30, no. 6, 2011, pp. 601-613. ProQuest, http://ezproxy.apus.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fscholarly-journals%2Fconcept-profound-boredom-learning-moments-vision%2Fdocview%2F899187218%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D8289, doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s11217-011-9256-5.

Kaufmann, Walter Arnold. Existentialism from Dostoevsky to Sartre. 1956. New York, Meridian Books, 1960.

The Shawshank Redemption. Directed by Frank Darabont, Columbia Pictures, 1994.

Wilkerson, Dale. “Nietzsche, Friedrich | Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy.” Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy, iep.utm.edu/nietzsch/.