Epictetus Discourses 4.2 - On association with others

Of social intercourse

Recovering alcoholics often face a decision regarding their "old" friends and drinking buddies.  How can someone who is trying to stay sober and hang out with old drinking buddies at bars, while at the same time avoiding the temptation to have a drink?  It's fairly impossible or at best, extremely difficult.  Often, the best solution is to avoid the old friends.

This same concept is applied in other areas of our life.  At the time I wrote this blog post, I had come across a fascinating article which references this idea described by Epictetus. The article is called Catching Desires: Can you stop yourself being infected with other people's desires? by Bence Nanay. This essay explores the concept of "desire infection," and argues that many of our desires are not formed autonomously but are highly contagious and caught from the people around us. Just as we acquire beliefs through testimony (what others tell us), we acquire desires from observing or being exposed to others' wants.

The author distinguishes between two types of wants: 

1. indirect desire infection (where the desire is based on a belief acquired by testimony, like wanting an expensive wine because a connoisseur praised it)
2. and direct desire infection (where the desire is caught independently of belief, like the Blow-Up film protagonist grabbing a piece of a smashed guitar because everyone else wanted it).

The key problem is that, unlike false beliefs, we have no reliable screening mechanism against direct desire infection. This lack of control has major implications, suggesting that the concept of an autonomous self is somewhat illusory, as "who we are (or the self) is a result, to a large extent, of random desire infection."

Therefore, applying this concept and relating it back to what Epictetus contends, we should "Never become so intimately associated with any of [our] former friends or acquaintances that [we] sink down to the same level as them; for otherwise, [we’ll] destroy [ourselves]." (v. 1, p. 327)

In response refusing to associate with former friend, ,we might be accused of being stand-offish or conceited by old friends. To which Epictetus says, "Choose, then, which you prefer: to be held in the same affection as before by your former friends by remaining as you used to be, or else become better than you were and no longer meet with the same affection." (v. 3, p. 237)

A term I often hear these days which relates to this idea is "drawing boundaries."  The Stoics might even call it "circumscribing the self."  You can be kind and respectful to people, but you don't have to adapt to their choices or live like they do.  You are who you decide to be and consequently let others decide how they should be.

Epictetus uses drinking alcohol as another example about how we need to choose with whom we are going to associate.  "Choose, then, whether you want to be a heavy drinker and pleasing to them [your drinking buddies], or a sober man and unpleasing to them." (v. 7, p. 237)

But decide, you must!  If you waffle and are "caught between two paths, you'll incur a double penalty, since you'll neither make progress as you ought nor acquire the things that you used to enjoy." (v. 5, p. 237) You have to choose a philosophy and live it.  And some philosophies are like oil and water which don't mix - you must choose between one of them.  "Roles as different as these don't mix." (v. 10, p. 238).